Single Dads - Upgrade Your Online Dating Profile
Today I saw the best online dating profile that I've ever seen in my entire life.
It has everything.
1) Push notification delivered directly to me in an uncluttered environment
2) Clickbait style subject to gather my attention
3) An elaborate collection of stunning photos from all angles
4) Descriptive profile with the digits included!
Only problem is that it's not for a human. It's for a cat.
But that's ok...single dads out there. This is your opportunity to learn the ways of internet dating seduction by the champion of internet views...a cat.
Wow, stunning delivery. You can vaguely see the time in the background is 12:41pm. That means, these folks know what they're doing...they're reaching me during lunch time when I want absolutely nothing to o with work. I just want to watch videos on the internet (likely of cats) and play with my phone.
"Go where the eyeballs are to get seen," I always say.
If you're sending that first, "sup" style message to your future internet date, try doing it over the lunch hour to see if that gets a higher response rate.
Oh, and notice how you practically HAVE to click on this. Calling yourself a panther IS a great idea. I had to take a look. You don't want to be the guy that gets the "if you like Panthers get in here" message and doesn't get in there. That guy's the worst.
Ok now on to the power of the photo presentations. This is your storefront and it's time to show off the goods.
If I came in through the message door then I'm already thinking, "wait this isn't an actual panther...but I'll still take a look. I mean, hell...I'm already here."
If I'm a window shopper, then I'm counting on this collection of four photos + brief description to seal the deal.
Here are the steps to success.
Step 1 - Show off your good side. Luckily for Minka, both sides are her good side.
Step 2 - Straight on or camera pointing down photos only. No one...I repeat no one wants to see your face looking chubbier than it already is or the patches in your beard from below. You've got to play the angles here just like Minka.
As a matter of fact, she almost blew it with that photo on the bottom left. Gross! I almost swiped right? or left? or whichever way you swipe to say no when I saw that shit.
Step 3 - Take notes on this description. You may actually want to copy and paste it exactly. Full figured...not fat. Loved to be petted, scratched, and brushed. Loves to play and chase the elusive red dot...we all know what that means. And great with kids. Holy moly that's gold.
The moral of the story is to use creative language to describe yourself.
And then there's this.
Always, always, ALWAYS! Put your best foot forward and lead with the most eye catching image you have of yourself.
In Minka's case it's a stunning full body close up of one of her two good sides giving off the impression that she can fly.
Yes this cat is a damn floater. Oh, you didn't know? You thought this was a normal fake panther cat? Nope, this gal can float, player!
And last but certainly not least, the proof is in the pudding.
Look at this engagement people? 16 Thanks (likes) and a comment? Minka must be a social media influencer or something. Daaaamn!
If you're on a platform that allows for commenting, always pad the stats and have your friends say something nice about you. It can't hurt.
And there we have it.
How to set up your online dating profile for complete success.
Big shout out to Minka the cat for being such a great sport as we analyze her profile and to Nextdoor for continuing to deliver on news about the lost animals, creepy cars, and HOA meetings in my neighborhood. You da real MVP.