How To Not Get Your Ass Kicked By Your Kid In A Pillow Fight

DON'T SLEEP ON WHAT IT MEANS TO KICK SOME SERIOUS BUTT IN A PILLOW FIGHT.

THE WINNER OF THE PILLOW WAR IS ONE THAT REWARDS THE MOST CUNNING, MOST ATHLETIC, AND MOST DOMINANT CREATURE IN THE HOUSE. THAT IS YOU, DAD. THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

TO BE THE PILLOW CHAMPION THAT YOUR KIDS NEED, WE SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW THESE STEPS. THEY WILL HELP YOU TO AVOID GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED ALL OVER THE BEDROOM AND LEAVE A LASTING IMPRESSION ON YOUR LITTLE ONES.

STEP 1 - WAIT FOR THE FIGHT TO COME TO YOU

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He Messed With The Wrong Dad

DON'T BE THE GUY WHO PICKS FIGHTS WITH THEIR KIDS. THAT GUY SUCKS. THAT DAD SUCKS. AND, YOU DON'T WANT THAT TO BE YOUR KID EITHER, THE KID THAT PICKS FIGHTS WITH OTHERS. THAT KID REALLY SUCKS.

LET THE FIGHT COME TO YOU, BUT BE READY BECAUSE ONCE IT DOES, YOU MUSTN'T HESITATE.

STEP 2 - AIM FOR THE LEGS, BELLY, AND BACK. NO HEADSHOTS.

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I What You're Thinking...But It's Not Worth It

THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS COME IN HOT SWINGING FOR FACES AND KNOCK OUT A TOOTH OR CAUSE A BLACK EYE OR A BLOODY NOSE OR SOMETHING. THAT'S HOW YOU DISCOURAGE YOUR KIDS FROM PILLOW FIGHTING WITH YOU FOREVER AND HOW YOU CAN GET PUT IN THE PENALTY BOX WITH YOUR PARTNER.

MY WIFE WOULD LITERALLY STAB ME IN THE NECK IF I BROKE OUR SON'S NOSE IN A PILLOW FIGHT. NOT WORTH IT. NOT A FAN OF SPOUSAL NECK STABS. YOU PROBABLY AREN'T EITHER.

AIM FOR THE LEGS AND THE BODY AND KEEP THEM OFF BALANCE. THEY ARE GOING TO GO OVEREXTEND AND STRETCH THEMSELVES OUT SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU'RE TALLER THAN THEY ARE. EXPOSE EM. THOSE WEAKNESSES ARE HUGE OPENINGS FOR A BATTLE HARDENED VETERAN LIKE YOURSELF. MAKE THEM PAY FOR THEIR BREAKDOWN OF FORM AND WORK THE BODY. THEY'LL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIT THEM.

STEP 3 - ESCAPE FROM IMPOSSIBLE ODDS

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Not TODAY

LIKE EVERY GOOD SUPERHERO MOVIE, THE HERO (YOU) STARTS OFF AHEAD AND THEN GETS BACKED-IN TO SOME CORNER THAT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OUT OF. THEY TAKE A BLOW, THEN ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER, UNTIL IT APPEARS AS IF THEY THERE IS NO WAY THEY CAN COME BACK AND WIN.

YOUR JOB IS TO PLAY OUT A CLASSIC SUPERHERO GUY MOVE WHEN PILLOW FIGHTING.

START WITH THE UPPER HAND WORKING THE LEGS AND BODY. THEN, LET THEM START BEATING YOU DOWN. GO DOWN TO YOUR BACK, LET THEM PILE MULTIPLE PILLOWS ON TO YOUR FACE, MAKE THEM THINK THAT THERE IS NO WAY YOU'LL EVER GET OUT OF THIS. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, THEY'VE WON...OR SO THEY THINK.

THEN IT'S TIME FOR THE BIG SURPRISE.

STEP 4 - THE SUPER MOVE + BONUS SUPER YELL

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Like This...Sort Of

BURST OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR WITH AN OVERT SHOWING OF DAD STRENGTH. YELL AND SQUIRM AND SHOW THAT YOU'RE A DAD WHO IS BACK AND MEANS BUSINESS.

THEN IT'S TIME FOR THE SUPER MOVE + BONUS SUPER YELL.

IT MIGHT BE THE PILLOW SPIN OVER YOUR HEAD OR THE TWO PILLOW CLAP OR THE ONE PILLOW AIR THROW OTHER PILLOW SWING MOVE, BUT MAKE SURE IT'S SOMETHING YOUR KIDS DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO. THE SUPER MOVE WILL TURN THE TIDE OF THE FIGHT.

ALSO, ACCOMPANY YOUR SUPER MOVE WITH A SUPER YELL. SOMETHING LIKE A CATCHPHRASE FROM NBA JAM THAT SHOWS YOUR AGE BUT YOUR KIDS WILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO REMEMBER THE YELL AND PRACTICE IT WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND. REPEATING THE CALL OUT THAT ULTIMATELY LED TO THEIR PILLOW FIGHT DEMISE.

STEP 5 - PIN FOR THE WIN

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VICTORY!

NOW THAT YOU'VE TAKEN OVER THE FIGHT WITH YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLE MOVES AND CRIES OF "BOOM SHOCK-A-LOCKA", IT'S TIME TO FINISH YOUR OPPONENT OFF.

WE ALL KNOW THAT OUR KIDS HAVE MORE ENERGY THAN YOUR ADULT DAD HUMAN MIND CAN EVEN FATHOM, SO THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE TO ENDING THE FIGHT IS VIA WWE WRESTLING STYLE PIN.

THE UNIVERSALLY KNOWN THREE COUNT IS ONE THAT CAN'T BE DISPUTED BY EVEN THE CRAFTIEST OF ADOLESCENT ARBITRATOR.

PUT THAT PILLOW ON THEM, COUNT TO THREE AND THEN CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORY BY LETTING YOUR KID(S) KNOW HOW GREAT THEY DID AND HOW THEY ALMOST GOT YOU.

 

BE A GOOD WINNER AND CELEBRATE THEIR CONTRIBUTION TO THE FIGHT. DON'T GLOAT, DON'T MAKE THEM FEEL BAD. MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD AND HELP THEM ENJOY THE TIME THEY GOT TO SPEND WITH THEIR DAD.

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE THE BEST PILLOW FIGHTER THEY'VE EVER SEEN AND SOMEDAY YOU'LL EXPECT THEM TO BE A GOOD WINNER WHEN THEY DO EVENTUALLY KICK YOUR OLD ASS.